Another girl deleted me from her Facebook. In the last year I've lost four friends whose repulsion of me I wouldn't have known had it not been for Facebook. There was no fight, no harsh words. No argument with any of them whatsoever. Just POOF! One less person quoting a Taoist tea bag in my news feed. One of them actually owed me money at the time and was perturbed I'd left L.A. without a hearty goodbye. This was a week after she stood me up for a friend-date at my apartment. Techincally, shouldn't I have un-friended her?
I don't really know how anyone can move on without the good ol' fashioned closure that comes with calling someone a hideous name straight to their face. Don't you at least want to try gaining validation through a fight? I ask these questions but then I hear someone's mother telling them, "That girl's just not worth it."
If I encompassed a totally different body and I met me, I'd be all like, "WOW, what a refreshing kinda gal!"
But maybe that's because we'd be sharing my sense of humor. I keep thinking about my BFF, Natalie, years ago saying to me after an exceptionally heated audience Q&A over a play I'd written, "You're not controversial, you're offensive."
Eep. And yet, she was totally right (especially about THAT play!)
I've worked on this. I still work on it. My husband is old-timey and doesn't like to hear ladies swear. At first I found this sexist, but it's really just a matter of taste - he actually doesn't like hearing anyone swear. I don't like to hear non-fictional types swear, so I understood his repulsion. It's a little like asking your mate not to fart around you. So now I don't swear around him when I can help it. Unless we're fighting over politics. Then I really let 'em rip.
But back to me sucking at holding onto online friends. I realized this morning as I was leaving for the foodstamps office (I'm not ashamed, I'm just poor) that this was the first time I would be apart from my dogs since Sunday. IT'S FRIDAY! That ain't right. You leave a woman like myself alone for that long and she's gonna invent things. Sure, I wrote a ton in the last two weeks, but I've also been cultivating some opinions about myself. Mean ones. RuPaul tweeted yesterday, "No one has ever been more cruel to me than I have been to myself."
Sometimes people mistake my confidence and big mouth for an indestructible scab over the self-doubt that a normal gal would feel about herself. That's just plain silly. I hurt. I feel fat. I fall down in public way too frequently to ever let my ego get the best of me. I stew in a good funk now and then, but I brush it off pretty quickly because I'm awesome. There I said it.
I AM AWESOME.
I happen to be the greatest person I've ever met. And if you don't feel this way about yourself, I suggest you clean out the cobwebs of your emotional closet and figure out how to sustain that belief too.
According to my incredibly hot and hilarious husband, people de-friend me (both on Facebook and in real life) because of my overwhelming awesomeness. He believes they can't take it when I don't douse them in lovin'. I'm not entirely sure about that. I like to believe it has more to do with my being offensive. Because working on my level of offensiveness is something that I can control. If I've intimidated someone or made them feel small because I was having a particularly large week, well, that's on them.
I'd like to believe most of my de-friending is a political thing. I'm a hardcore Democrat, mostly because I believe in Civil Rights for everyone from pregnant women to the homosexual community. I married a Republican whom I love with all my might, but has very different ideas about the world. And I'm okay with that. Cos it'd be a boring place if we all saw it the same way (though I'd be THRILLED about the electric cars and gay marriage!) Being with Logan has forced me to see politics from all sides and respect his view too. It's not easy, but pretty much everything else with him is. I'd like a little credit on how bi-partisan I've become. Even though I still believe the Republican party is mostly just money-motivated, while whipping out the Bible to manipulate voters, I know that's not entirely true. And nothing is worse than people who speak in absolutes. "All Republicans are money-grubbing..." or "Angie is ALWAYS so annoying with those petitions about gay marriage..."
I'm working on living as shamelessly as possible and not in that throw-me-beads-and-I'll-flash-my-boobs kinda way. I'm trying not to judge anyone as heartily as I have in the past. Just today Kelli and I were strolling through the park when we saw an old man urinating on the wall. He was well-dressed and had set his bag of groceries on the ground to properly relieve himself with both hands. Kelli was grossed out.
"That's sick! I can't believe this!" she shouted.
But I felt bad for him and told her, "He's old. Maybe he's incontinent. It happens."
Kel's expression changed. I didn't want to undermine her - sure, it was disgusting. But maybe the only options he had were A) Pee my pants or B) Pee on this wall. Kel simmered down after I persisted about the bladders of the elderly. I didn't want to make him feel bad about his offensive act. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don't know your plight! And I'd be an absolute jerk if I pretended that I did. But as we passed the old man I caught a strong whiff of alcohol that probably wasn't coming from any of the park-like fixtures.
I was proud that my instinct was to protect someone from feeling bad about himself - even if he was covering public property with his pee. We're hard enough on ourselves. I think we can afford to be nice to each other, no matter how gross or obnoxious we're being. And if you're especially gifted, there's always this option of retaliation:
I don't really know how anyone can move on without the good ol' fashioned closure that comes with calling someone a hideous name straight to their face. Don't you at least want to try gaining validation through a fight? I ask these questions but then I hear someone's mother telling them, "That girl's just not worth it."
If I encompassed a totally different body and I met me, I'd be all like, "WOW, what a refreshing kinda gal!"
But maybe that's because we'd be sharing my sense of humor. I keep thinking about my BFF, Natalie, years ago saying to me after an exceptionally heated audience Q&A over a play I'd written, "You're not controversial, you're offensive."
Eep. And yet, she was totally right (especially about THAT play!)
I've worked on this. I still work on it. My husband is old-timey and doesn't like to hear ladies swear. At first I found this sexist, but it's really just a matter of taste - he actually doesn't like hearing anyone swear. I don't like to hear non-fictional types swear, so I understood his repulsion. It's a little like asking your mate not to fart around you. So now I don't swear around him when I can help it. Unless we're fighting over politics. Then I really let 'em rip.
But back to me sucking at holding onto online friends. I realized this morning as I was leaving for the foodstamps office (I'm not ashamed, I'm just poor) that this was the first time I would be apart from my dogs since Sunday. IT'S FRIDAY! That ain't right. You leave a woman like myself alone for that long and she's gonna invent things. Sure, I wrote a ton in the last two weeks, but I've also been cultivating some opinions about myself. Mean ones. RuPaul tweeted yesterday, "No one has ever been more cruel to me than I have been to myself."
Sometimes people mistake my confidence and big mouth for an indestructible scab over the self-doubt that a normal gal would feel about herself. That's just plain silly. I hurt. I feel fat. I fall down in public way too frequently to ever let my ego get the best of me. I stew in a good funk now and then, but I brush it off pretty quickly because I'm awesome. There I said it.
I AM AWESOME.
I happen to be the greatest person I've ever met. And if you don't feel this way about yourself, I suggest you clean out the cobwebs of your emotional closet and figure out how to sustain that belief too.
According to my incredibly hot and hilarious husband, people de-friend me (both on Facebook and in real life) because of my overwhelming awesomeness. He believes they can't take it when I don't douse them in lovin'. I'm not entirely sure about that. I like to believe it has more to do with my being offensive. Because working on my level of offensiveness is something that I can control. If I've intimidated someone or made them feel small because I was having a particularly large week, well, that's on them.
I'd like to believe most of my de-friending is a political thing. I'm a hardcore Democrat, mostly because I believe in Civil Rights for everyone from pregnant women to the homosexual community. I married a Republican whom I love with all my might, but has very different ideas about the world. And I'm okay with that. Cos it'd be a boring place if we all saw it the same way (though I'd be THRILLED about the electric cars and gay marriage!) Being with Logan has forced me to see politics from all sides and respect his view too. It's not easy, but pretty much everything else with him is. I'd like a little credit on how bi-partisan I've become. Even though I still believe the Republican party is mostly just money-motivated, while whipping out the Bible to manipulate voters, I know that's not entirely true. And nothing is worse than people who speak in absolutes. "All Republicans are money-grubbing..." or "Angie is ALWAYS so annoying with those petitions about gay marriage..."
I'm working on living as shamelessly as possible and not in that throw-me-beads-and-I'll-flash-my-boobs kinda way. I'm trying not to judge anyone as heartily as I have in the past. Just today Kelli and I were strolling through the park when we saw an old man urinating on the wall. He was well-dressed and had set his bag of groceries on the ground to properly relieve himself with both hands. Kelli was grossed out.
"That's sick! I can't believe this!" she shouted.
But I felt bad for him and told her, "He's old. Maybe he's incontinent. It happens."
Kel's expression changed. I didn't want to undermine her - sure, it was disgusting. But maybe the only options he had were A) Pee my pants or B) Pee on this wall. Kel simmered down after I persisted about the bladders of the elderly. I didn't want to make him feel bad about his offensive act. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don't know your plight! And I'd be an absolute jerk if I pretended that I did. But as we passed the old man I caught a strong whiff of alcohol that probably wasn't coming from any of the park-like fixtures.
I was proud that my instinct was to protect someone from feeling bad about himself - even if he was covering public property with his pee. We're hard enough on ourselves. I think we can afford to be nice to each other, no matter how gross or obnoxious we're being. And if you're especially gifted, there's always this option of retaliation:
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